After twelve years of this disease it still amazes me how the emotional roller coaster can come full swing without a moments notice. Ever get that feeling? There are triggers for sure: fatigue, general MS, menstration, not taking care of ourselves, etc.
But then bring on the external factors. Family members who are rude or inconsiderate, friends of the same. Work situations. Not that they necessarily intend to be mean but with MS sometimes the smallest trigger can feel like an avalanche.
I recently felt this way during my birthday. While my friends were there in full force, new and old, the family chose to spend the week without me. No celebration at all. Not even an offer when they returned. Not even an offer for dinner. A card was mailed but never received.
While being 47 is not a mile marker so to speak, every day is a mile marker with MS. It was very hurtful to be ignored at a time that should be about family. It was a bit predicted as last year I had to set some boundaries and limits for my MS and it upset the family. I was actually told that my boundaries didn't matter and they further hoped that I had a miserable birthday next year because of my actions to protect myself. Pretty harsh words and sad part is I don't even think they remember saying it. Words really can be the mist violent weapon. I am guilty of snapping myself. And something I am always working on. Being kinder with my words.
While I had a nice day it was a worst day. A terrible week as my moods fell dark. Too dark. I scared even myself.
It's times like these that I fall into my recluse mode. I write, paint, draw, doodle, watch falling leaves and sleep. Depression brings sleep and boy could I feel it. I also fought a virus and then got bit bit by a dog and on antibiotics. Guess I just was scheduled for a down week all the way around.
But Today was a good day for falling leaves and the sunset helped improve my mood.
I didn't like being on mood stabilizers. I felt too numb but this emotional roller coaster is a disaster. I have woken up crying every day for a week. This is not like me. But it so like my MS.
Time for a change!
Doing some meditation and positive visualization this morning. Some major mood altering!
Remembering what it was like to be riding that Tennessee walker. Visualizing the physical rhythm of riding helps me calm down inside.
Also, to pull myself out of a slump, is to think of positive times, feelings and emotions. And remembering to be loving and kind to myself even if others are not.
Gentle, kind, watery, soft, flowing...I shall be as kind to myself today as it takes to put color to paper. I can do this!
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